Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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