My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
