Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
