did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
