I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
