My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
