I didn't shave. On purpose
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
