She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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