Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
