when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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