Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
