the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
