Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
