The maid of honor just puked.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
