He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
