totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
