I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
