I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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