singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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