I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
whose parrot is this?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
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