he puts the penis in happiness.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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