you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize