im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
