Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
