just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
