News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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