If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
