WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
