There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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