I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
