I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
