More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize