It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
