i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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