More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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