so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
