Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
