her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
