in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
