It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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