i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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