I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
