I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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