i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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