It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
