please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize