sarcasm needs its own font
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
