And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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