My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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