my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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