if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
