I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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