nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
one two three fourrrrnication!
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
