Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
