I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
