i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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