I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
