Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
