Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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