Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
