She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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