everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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