What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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