I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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