he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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