Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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