none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
