i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
