don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
