Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
