You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
